Maybe The Worst Book I Read This Year
Flash by Carole Mallory
If Flash is a bad book written by a B-movie actress about an actress in an erotic movie who has severe sexual dysfunction, then at least credit should be given for acting and writing. If there are two people named Carole Mallory, however, and both worked in the sleazy sort of sex exploitation world that is the stuff of cable movie channels late on weekend nights, well, there is probably one too many.
Film buffs will know Mallory for very minor roles in 1970s hit movies like Looking for Mr. Goodbar and The Stepford Wives. Mallory's last major film role was in 1981, and Flash followed a decade later. Besides the same name, Flash includes a film world setting, a young starlet and graphic sex. This has to be the same person - there could not possibly be two of them, could there?
Who Pays These People To Write Blurbs?
I found Flash in a pile of long-neglected books. The book, easily the worst I've read in years and one of the worst in my entire life, was being neglected for a reason. But don't tell that to the famous folk whose blurbs fill the cover.
Norman Mailer reportedly calls the book "wicked and funny". Gloria Steinem says the book is "smart and irresistible," an opinion that if true, causes my opinion of Steinem's own intelligence to slide. And finally, Dominic Dunne calls Flash "fun and dirty".
I called it boring and stupid - a book that is too coarse to be erotica and one in which even the sex scenes are poorly written. Flash is essentially The Talented Mr. Ripley without a plot.
Some strange compulsion to finish books I start caused me to keep reading. Then it finally became like a train wreck, and I wondered if the story or writing could get worse. It could and it did, but the book mercifully ends
The Plot In Exactly One Hundred Words
Maya, a starlet who aspires to fame, hops from bed to bed and between relationships. Growing up with sexual dysfunction, she gains release by flashing men, who she then usually has sex with. Cab drivers, delivery boys, anyone Maya views as beneath her in some pecking order is fair game, and Maya has her share of games. Flitting between Hollywood and Paris, Maya does achieve stardom, but never love or resolution of her problems. Medical intervention seems to help, but there is no redemption for this slut who must work through her issues rather than through the line of men.
What Works Well
You're kidding, right? Well, if the author is really the Mallory the actress, then the Paris and Hollywood settings are likely to be depressingly accurate. That's it. Oh, the cover art is pretty stylish. There certainly is nothing else of redeeming value here.
What Doesn't Work As Well
Nothing works well here. This is sleaze, not erotica or romance. Reading Flash is one step above reading a novelization of a bad porn movie sold in the back of "certain" magazines. The characters are awful, the plot is silly and amateurish and Mallory reaches for a heavy dose of graphic sex when circumstances dictate she actually write something.
The Bottom Line, Dog Earred Pages and All
The sick, perverse part of me that finishes books stuck with Flash to the end. One day, I'll be more discriminating. In the meantime, you can be too. Just say no.
Five Things To Remember From This Review
1. This book is awful.
2. I can't even determine who the author really is
3. Where did those great quotes come from? Is there book payola?
4. Not romance, not even erotica, just smut
5. Picture what would happen if your 13 year old nephew wrote an episode of Sex and the City without restraint.
